Sometimes, new beginnings are disguised as painful endings


We are so used to celebrating the new. But what about celebrating what is being stepped away from? Even if it is uncomfortable or there is something we aren’t ready to let go of?

When I go through difficult times in my life, I tend to hide and avoid sharing what I’m experiencing on the blog or social media.

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This is the pattern I am noticing during my current low-level feeling. I feel compelled to share it before the mental clutter has cleared away and before I have the inevitable epiphanies that result from this period of deep reflection.

The year that broke my heart open

The message Mother Ayahuasca gave me two years ago, during my first ceremony for plant medicine, will stay with me forever. When I asked her how to open my heart and love, she replied with compassion.

As I sat in the sacred circle and listened as my sisters and brothers wailed and purge years of pain, she showed me compassion that I didn’t know. Their pain was mine, and I felt it as if it was mine.

I’ve always been sensitive and used to hate that about myself. This is what led me to drug and alcohol abuse for the past 25 years. It was too much pain to bear, so I tried everything I could to ease it.

I tried to get around my pain by numbing my emotions. I ended up cutting myself off from my life force.

As I look back on the last seven months of my own life, I am amazed at how deep I felt all that happened. Not just to myself, but also to my fellow humans, and Mother Earth. I let myself crumble, over and again. Every time I was there, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to survive the pain.

These old beliefs came back to me and I was able see them differently. Now I realize that these walls were built to protect me long ago, when I was too young for it to make sense. With awareness comes the ability to choose whether I want to live by my beliefs or build new ones that empower.

My internal world has been turned upside down, but my external world has also seen major changes. We have just sold the house that we love in San Diego’s coastal area and are moving into a small apartment. My career and the travel industry are on hold.

It might seem like we’re going backwards according to societal standards — which sometimes my mind tricks into believing — but life isn’t linear. You will have whatever experience you need to reach your highest self. This year is about trusting in life, even when it seems strange.

I feel a deep need to make big changes that reflect the internal changes that I have been experiencing. Maybe moving into a small apartment is another step in the process for letting go of everything that has been happening in my life the past two years.

It is incredibly liberating to let go things that don’t serve me anymore, making way for more of the things that align with my personality.

However, I will admit that it can be very difficult to let go. This year, I’d describe it as “moving through the sludge” in many ways. Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in one place or that everything is moving slowly with an emphasis on the painful.

Although I felt like I had many tools that could help me get through difficult times in my life, I felt I needed more support this year. I saw a therapist, and we had several sessions. She gave me gentle reminders about things I can do when feeling anxious.

These are my top tools to release anxiety. They will help you get through those difficult times when your mind is racing and your body feels unsafe.

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Talk to Someone

Sometimes, just being able to let your emotions be heard can be a cathartic experience. It doesn’t matter if it is a friend or a loved one. We are not meant for this Earth by ourselves and need to lean on others to support us.

Get Out Into Nature

Nature has always been my refuge. So when we had our first lockdown, it was hard not to be able go for a walk along the beach or through the trees. Things have improved in many places, so we are now able to get outside safely, with social distancing.

Do something that makes you feel empowered

This has been a huge help to me and I hope it will be helpful for you. I have started to watch self-defense videos on YouTube and do things that empower me. Fear can make our minds and bodies feel like they have no control. Although we cannot control the events outside of our control, we can influence how we react to them.

We all know that our instinctual response to life-threatening situations is to flee or fight. This is not always true due to childhood trauma. You may have experienced trauma as a child, and your instinct is likely to be to freeze and dissociate. This isn’t always helpful in all situations.

You can retrain your nervous systems and get your power back by taking a self-defense class or kickboxing class.

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Active Meditation & Yogic Yoga

Since 2005, I have been practicing meditation daily. However, this year has been difficult for me because my body is not comfortable enough to allow me to meditate. It was too much for my body and mind to process. I also couldn’t connect to nature as I would normally because of social distancing. Yoga and breathwork are great options for releasing trauma and emotions in a gentle manner.

When spiralling is difficult, distractions can be helpful?

I am so used to people in the spiritual community being critical of anyone who uses distractions such as Netflix. This year, however, has been trauma-inducing. Trauma is defined as anything too intense or fast for the nervous system to handle. This is what I experienced almost daily in 2020.

Distractions can help your nervous system relax. My therapist recommended watching nature shows. Anything that calms your nerve system. I found underwater movies and shows extremely therapeutic.

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Take the time to play

It is not a good idea to work hard all the time. Instead, allow yourself to have fun and do something you love.